HearRational Sample Chapter

This is a sample chapter from my debut book HearRational. It is a story about conspiracy culture, the rise of the manosphere, and how New Zealand isn’t actually real.

Theo, one of the characters, has a condition where he can’t hear people who disagree with him. This has made him a very popular online influencer.

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HEARRATIONAL - TOP BRO’S BROSCUSSION PODCAST

“Heaven has been taken over by the Devil, and his demon hordes are infiltrating our governments,” Theo explained. He wore his smartest shirt and green cardigan for his highest-profile appearance yet, Top Bro’s BroScussion podcast. With Ian’s help, he had packaged the Na’fier invasion threat into a version that would resonate more strongly with his American followers.

Top Bro stared into Theo’s eyes. “That’s the problem with you Brits. You could say anything in that accent and I’d believe you.”

“Well, listen to the content of what he’s actually saying, then!” said the TV scientist Maximillian Pound, thumping a scrawny fist on the large wooden desk they sat around. Top Bro had cut down a tree from the vast forest behind his compound, carried it three miles back on his shoulder, and had then carved it into a rustic table for his man-cave-inspired studio.

“Can you not hit the desk, please, Max?” Top Bro said, being very protective of nature when he wasn’t hunting it. His brow was a permanent straight line etched halfway down his face. The rest of his features were squashed underneath. He was heavily muscular, with a shaved head and sandpaper beard. When he listened to you, it felt like he was going to hit you. Theo saw a lot of Phil in him. He knew neither were violent men. They were misunderstood because of their resting angry faces.

Top Bro carefully adjusted a glowing, red plastic Buddha toy that Maximillian Pound had knocked out of position. “And stop interrupting Theo. When you talk over him, it’s bad audio, not to mention bad manners.”

Maximillian Pound was a respected physics professor at MIT who had found fame telling religious fundamentalists how wrong they were. He had written The New York Times best sellers The Militant Atheist’s Ten Commandments and Does the Pope Sermon in the Woods? along with the popular children’s series Derek the Dinosaur That Definitely Existed. Theo had been watching Maximillian Pound’s videos for years and had been excited to meet him. He was happy to find he was just as gracious and intelligent in real life.

“This man is speaking nonsense of the highest order,” Pound said, interrupting Top Bro. “He is a danger to science, a danger to rational thought, and a danger to the truth.”

Top Bro’s jaw jutted out. Now he looked like he was going to hit someone.

Maximillian Pound slinked back in his seat, his arms folded like a straitjacket to stop him leaning forward and interrupting again. Top Bro nodded to Theo that it was safe to continue.

Theo swallowed. Every American he’d encountered so far had been welcoming, courteous, and very interested in him preaching some kind of Christian End of Days. Three thousand nine hundred and sixty-two people had attended his first speaking date in the country. CNN reported attendance as slightly over one thousand. Fox News claimed six and a half. It had prompted a fierce debate, which had to be settled the only way the nation appeared to know how these days. On an episode of Top Bro’s BroScussion podcast.

Ian had told Theo his own livestream figures of eighty thousand were very respectable. Theo glanced at the ticker for Bro’s podcast. It read 4,448,988.

—

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—

“The Na’fier are an ancient and proud race of interdimensional vampires. They have their own strict laws and customs. They are a caste-based society, with different orders and classes of vampires. They have ravaged and conquered the infinite realms but one: ours.

“Their worlds, their dimensions, I should say, are nothing like our Earth, though. To imagine it would be like trying to explain a three-dimensional object to a drawing in a comic book. First, they would have no comprehension of what three dimensions are, and secondly, they’re inanimate objects. They wouldn’t hear you anyway.”

Top Bro chuckled warmly. “That makes it very clear in my head. Please tell us more about how we fit into this.”

Maximillian Pound shook his head violently.

“Make no mistake about it, we are the last race standing between the Na’fier and the total blackout of the universe. That’s their ultimate purpose, to extinguish all light from existence to reestablish the perpetual night from which they spawned. To do that, they need fuel. That’s us. They have been able to partly feed off our living souls by making tiny tears between atoms into our universe, which is where I think a lot of mental health issues come from. But it’s much worse when we die. They are able to take the entire soul and use that as a battery.”

“Goddamn! And what are the so-called ‘people in charge’ doing about this?”

“They’re working with them. They negotiated a shortsighted deal on July 13^th, 1985, following a Na’fier incursion off the coast of Africa. They agreed to give the Na’fier mining rights to all humanity’s souls once their corporeal bodies had expired.”

Top Bro’s brow compressed in concentration. “Why do I know that date?”

Maximillian Pound scowled. “It was the first Live Aid concerts for world hunger.”

Theo shook his head. “If only it was our world’s hunger. Sometime in 1982, the Na’fier punctured through their dimension into ours using quantum wall diffusion.” Theo acknowledged Maximillian Pound with a nod, a fellow man of science. “They ravaged Ethiopia in a series of scouting raids, gathering intel on our world before they staged an invasion.”

Maximillian Pound pressed his fingers into his eyes. “Those people died because of a famine.”

“You’re exactly right, because the Na’fier scouting force was draining that country of life. The Darkness would raid entire villages at a time, ripping those poor people’s souls from their bodies, and then dragging them back to the Dark Dimensions for an eternal feast.

“The Live Aid concerts were a diversion. The money never went back to Ethiopia; it went to fund interdimensional defense measures off the coast of Australia, preparing our world for the final war of Light versus Dark when it inevitably arrives at our doorstep.”

Top Bro had pushed himself back from his microphone, to better take this all in. His brow had lifted to where his hairline was once drawn. He was now Top Brow.

He shook his head. “But Bono did a song for it?”

Theo leaned forward and spoke in an urgent whisper. It was broadcast to an audience that, in the last five minutes, had escalated to over ten million.

“Bono was trying to tell us the truth! ‘Feed the world’? To who, Top Bro? To who?”

“Son of a bitch …” Top Bro massaged the top of his head. The skin folded back and forth.

“There are few people in the world I would trust my entire life to,” said Theo. “Bono is one of them.”

“So we brokered a deal. Why are the Na’fier trying to invade again?”

“It was a deal with the Devil, which I don’t count as being worth very much at all. My brother, Benny, has told me—”

“Sorry to interrupt, Theo. But just for the listeners: he tragically passed away about ten years ago, and has since been sending you warnings from the Dark Dimension he’s trapped in.”

“Exactly right, Bro. He has told me they are planning a full-scale invasion, as since that deal was brokered, they need more fuel. And them draining fully living souls is far more nutritious than the current arrangement of the souls of the deceased.”

“That makes sense. It’s like they’re living next to the biggest pizza restaurant in the world, and they can only get the crusts.”

“I like the crusts.”

“I mean, yeah, who doesn’t like the crusts? A little bit of cheese in them. Stuff it up. And dip them in garlic-and-herb sauce. Oh yeah. That’s heaven. But you want the full slice, you know?”

“I like all of the pizza,” confirmed Theo.

“So who’s trying to stop this? Surely not all of the people in the so-called government are evil.”

“I don’t think anyone is really truly evil, Top Bro. I just think they’ve either fallen on hard times, or they don’t fully understand something. Thankfully, we’ve uncovered that efforts are underway to combat an impending Na’fier invasion. But it’s going to take everything this planet has got to defend itself.”

“How are they preparing?”

“I can’t go into it, because it might compromise certain tactical advantages. But I’ll just say this … New Zealand isn’t what you think it is.”

“Where they shot the Harry Potter movies?”

“Lord of the Rings,” Maximillian Pound muttered into the microphone, his head in his hands.

“One of the most interesting things I’ve been thinking about since I came to America,” said Theo, “is how all this ties into religion, which we believe is why our message is resonating so strongly with your people.”

“It sure is. It’s all me and my buddies talk about.”

“The Na’fier, how they’re organized, how they have the caste-and-order system, it is incredibly similar to the description of Heaven, with how the angels are organized.”

“You’re right!”

“And if way, way back, millennia ago, before what we consider to be ancient Egypt, maybe the Na’fier were able to break through then. Maybe they briefly opened a portal in the sky, which could be where the original idea of an afterlife came from.”

“You’re saying the Na’fier’s dimension could have been mistaken for Heaven? Which would make here …”

“Hell,” said Maximillian Pound.

“I asked you politely to stop interrupting, Max.”

Maximillian spoke as calmly as he could. “I have a duty to myself, to the audience listening right now, and to science: this is a fantasy. You are all distracted by a made-up fiction. Can’t you see the reason why your Na’fier lore is so similar to the Christian faith’s?”

Theo pressed the headphone cans firmly onto his ears so he didn’t miss what Maximillian Pound was trying to help him with.

“It’s because you have most likely absorbed the stories of Christianity unconsciously and are now regurgitating them as a science fiction story!”

Top Bro’s brow tightened, making it drop half an inch farther down his face.

—

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—

“What does that matter?” said Bro. “It’s chicken and egg. It doesn’t matter which came first. We know they’re there.”

“Only if the chicken and the egg never actually existed! I’m saying Theo’s insane conspiracy theory and the founding myths of religion are equally fantastical. In fact, I must admit the only service you are providing this world, Theo, is that you are showing how ridiculous any large overarching conspiracy theory or religion is, simply by holding such an absurd belief and tricking so many people to buy it.”

Theo was deeply touched by Maximillian Pound saying he was doing a great service to this world. “Thank you very much,” he said.

“Not a compliment.”

Theo continued: “I always believed the point of science was to question everything to get to the truth. You have helped me so much with that, Maximillian Pound.”

“You have misunderstood everything I stand for.”

“Unfortunately, what I’ve found traveling around your fine country, and through talking to a lot of very interesting individuals, is that a lot of people believe science doesn’t seem that interested in the truth anymore. They feel it’s just another version of groupthink that believes it has found the answers, and refuses to interrogate deeper into the real reason why the world isn’t working for them. It’s the same dangerous tribalism that you see at football games, political parties or”—Theo gestured to Top Bro, referencing a point the host had made earlier—“university lecturers.”

“Oh great, here we go,” said Maximillian Pound, his arms erupting outward, bursting from his self-inflicted straitjacket, slamming down on the desk. “Let’s all dunk on my colleagues. What are you going to say next? The postmodernists have gotten out of hand? That we’re cooking up terrifying new gender labels in our evil laboratory?”

“That isn’t what Theo’s saying, Max,” said Top Bro. “He’s actually raising a good point. I think a lot of us are feeling it right now; certainly I am. So-called scientists these days are making us all feel stupid.”

“Well, then read a fucking book,” said Maximillian Pound.

Theo was very pleased with this productive consensus. He glanced over at the live chat to see whether people agreed.

What an elitist asshole! I read books all the time - AllWorkNoPlay_0.

Right, because everyone gets their information from “books” these days. It’s called the Internet, Maximillian Crap. You’re on it right now! - DropOutGetHigh.

I hope Maximillian Pound gets cancer - PhilMeUpButtercup95.

“This is what I’m talking about,” Top Bro said. “The so-called great science ambassadors on TV, or with their own podcasts, they’re always trying to get people in with the mystery. Wow, this star is a gazillion million miles away. What is it like over there? Look here, there’s some new substance that is made a fraction of a second after the start of the universe.”

“Those are the most exciting questions of our existence!” cried Maximillian Pound.

“Yeah, but not the only questions. That’s what I’m saying: everyone in science preaches the importance of questions. But only the right kind of questions that aren’t actually any use to the common man. So when someone here like Theo Papadopoulos comes along and disrupts that, the whole community makes a, and I hate to say this, a very unscientific agenda against him.”

“He’s not talking about new elements or dinosaurs, Bro. He’s talking about world-controlling organizations, that the Eiffel Tower went missing between 1945 and 1954—”

“Damn Hitler,” Theo muttered under his breath.

“—and that we’re being preyed upon by an eternal race of interdimensional demon vampires.”

Top Bro punched his fist knuckles down into the wood. “And what I’m saying is you can’t just shut that down. You need to have conversations. You need to listen. You beat ideas with better ideas.”

“My ideas are better ideas!” Maximillian Pound pointed a cardiganed arm at Theo. “His ideas just sound more exciting. How can I get people to focus on how amazing the structure of deoxyribonucleic acid is or the writing of Hemingway when he’s distracting everyone with a two-hundred-million-dollar CGI-laden meaningless blockbuster?”

Theo watched Maximillian’s passion in awe. He glanced at the comments feed.

Maximillian Jones should just marry a book. - GymBeastingPT9.

What’s dexy’s ribbed nuke acid? some kinda lube? - BroBrogan.

tbf fast & furious is better than hemminggay. - Rock4Prez.

Maximillian Pound composed himself. He tugged on the sleeves of his pale green cardigan so they reached his wrists. He placed his palms on the tree-felled table, trying to hold on to a reality no one agreed on.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Maximillian Pound said. His face drooped in regret. “I’m sorry you live in a world that’s made you feel stupid. But that is a price of progress. You cannot possibly understand everything anymore. No one can.” He picked up his smart phone and waved it, demoralized, by his head. “I don’t know how this works. But I know someone else does. I trust someone else to know. That’s how our society functions.” He turned to Theo. “Is that it? Is that why you feel like you have to spread such crackpot theories?” The eyes of Maximillian Pound widened, hoping for their own understanding. “That you’ve lost your trust?”

“I trust you,” answered Theo.

Maximillian Pound put his head in his hands. “No, you don’t. You enjoy me. That’s not the same as trust.”

Theo leaned forward to the microphone, hoping to help Maximillian Pound understand. He seemed so upset that he couldn’t quite grasp something.

“You might look around you and see lightbulbs and the internet and smart phones. You see the marvels of modern science. You see the world created by a belief system you trust.”

“Science isn’t a belief system, it’s an empirical building—”

Top Bro covered Maximillian’s microphone with his meaty paw. Maximillian took the hint and stopped talking.

“You see the marvels of modern science,” Theo continued. “You trust in the science. But when I look around me, all I see are jobs being replaced by computers. I hear people telling me over and over again ‘I don’t have any meaning anymore. I just have apps.’ And I feel my brother, my own brother, being painfully drained of a soul because the so-called people in charge cut a short-term deal to save their own lives.

“I don’t see a world that’s working. You ask me for proof. I say to you, prove yourself.”

—

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